Please Take Me to the Hospital If I Don’t Wake Up

My neck and shoulders are still stiff so I made an appointment with the chiropractor at Executive ER where I got my Solumedrol infusions.  Dr. Ken, the chiropractor asked me to lower my shoulders when he was assessing my posture in the mirror.  I said that they were down and realized how high up I was carrying them.  But, they weren’t going down on their own.  Dr. Ken did some adjustments and there was a lot of cracking and popping.   We did some physical therapy and he put me on the traction machine to help stretch out my neck.  He then prescribed me 6 weeks of massage therapy.

I don’t feel well today.  I’m obsessed with the feeling of malaise, despair and even death.  I drove down to my parent’s house and I kept feeling a tingling sensation down my left arm and leg.  I was also experiencing shortness of breath, as if I couldn’t get enough oxygen out of the breaths that I was taking.  I googled that and saw that it was a sign of a heart attack.  So, I told my mom that I was going to lie down for a little bit but if that I don’t wake up to please take me to the hospital.  I then started to get this sensation of cold water running down the inside of my chest and into my stomach.  It was the strangest feeling.

For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with learning all about lupus.  I haven’t been sleeping well because I stay up late reading books or doing research online.  My thoughts are consumed with the disease.  And I think I made myself sicker.  For a moment when ignorance was bliss I felt completely fine when I first started the prednisone.  Then all of a sudden I was symptomatic again.

I needed a break.  I didn’t even know what fun was anymore.  I was living for this disease and I didn’t want to anymore.  I had plans to go watch Sex and the City 2 with Angela and Julie tonight.  So, weird, tingling, watery sensation and all I forced myself to go.  I finally laughed and was able to lose myself in someone else’s reality for a few moments.  I fell asleep for a brief moment during a slow scene and when I woke up the feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel despair was gone along with the tingling and watery sensations.

I just had the biggest anxiety attack of my life and I survived it.  And knowing that it was just an attack and that that feeling of despair and helplessness wasn’t permanent made it easier to face.  I know that there will be good days and that there will be bad.  But, knowing that the bad ones will not always be bad is very comforting.


9 thoughts on “Please Take Me to the Hospital If I Don’t Wake Up

  1. Christina Abel says:

    Hey Isabella, I have been reading your blog posts and have been quite sobered by all the things you have gone through.I can’t imagine what you are going through. I have been inspired by the way you have kept up your spirits throughout most of this ordeal. Even though I don’t have experience in this area, I do very much believe that our thoughts influence and affect our reality. I think that when you say your thoughts were consumed by the disease and made yourself sicker you could be correct. It’s not that you shouldn’t learn as much as you can about it, but also remember that your life is about so much more than this one piece. I know it’s easier said than done, but I also know that you are strong and that if anyone can do it, you can!

    • ms. belle says:

      Thanks Christina! You don’t know how much your words of encouragement mean to me. And that reminder to see the big picture is always necessary. Hope all is well with you=)

  2. sn says:

    Go girl! You did it! You are an inspiration. u may not know it but you are giving hope to alot of people going through dark moments.

  3. Keith Harris says:

    Isabella, You’re a fighter! Stay strong and take each day as it comes. Remember to live for today, not the past or the future. I’ve also ben reading your blog from time to time to see how things are going for you. You are completely an inspiration to many, including myself. If you ever want to just hang out, I’m here.

    • ms. belle says:

      Hi Keith! Thank you so much for the kind words. And you are right…we are only guaranteed right now. So, what should we do but just live it! We should hang out! Where are you about these days?

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