My neck and shoulders are still stiff so I made an appointment with the chiropractor at Executive ER where I got my Solumedrol infusions. Dr. Ken, the chiropractor asked me to lower my shoulders when he was assessing my posture in the mirror. I said that they were down and realized how high up I was carrying them. But, they weren’t going down on their own. Dr. Ken did some adjustments and there was a lot of cracking and popping. We did some physical therapy and he put me on the traction machine to help stretch out my neck. He then prescribed me 6 weeks of massage therapy.
I don’t feel well today. I’m obsessed with the feeling of malaise, despair and even death. I drove down to my parent’s house and I kept feeling a tingling sensation down my left arm and leg. I was also experiencing shortness of breath, as if I couldn’t get enough oxygen out of the breaths that I was taking. I googled that and saw that it was a sign of a heart attack. So, I told my mom that I was going to lie down for a little bit but if that I don’t wake up to please take me to the hospital. I then started to get this sensation of cold water running down the inside of my chest and into my stomach. It was the strangest feeling.
For the past few weeks I have been obsessed with learning all about lupus. I haven’t been sleeping well because I stay up late reading books or doing research online. My thoughts are consumed with the disease. And I think I made myself sicker. For a moment when ignorance was bliss I felt completely fine when I first started the prednisone. Then all of a sudden I was symptomatic again.
I needed a break. I didn’t even know what fun was anymore. I was living for this disease and I didn’t want to anymore. I had plans to go watch Sex and the City 2 with Angela and Julie tonight. So, weird, tingling, watery sensation and all I forced myself to go. I finally laughed and was able to lose myself in someone else’s reality for a few moments. I fell asleep for a brief moment during a slow scene and when I woke up the feeling of no light at the end of the tunnel despair was gone along with the tingling and watery sensations.
I just had the biggest anxiety attack of my life and I survived it. And knowing that it was just an attack and that that feeling of despair and helplessness wasn’t permanent made it easier to face. I know that there will be good days and that there will be bad. But, knowing that the bad ones will not always be bad is very comforting.