Consider Me Disabled? Never!

Last week my boss called me into his office and asked me again what I wanted to do in regards to work.  He assured me that I would still have my job if I decided to take a disability leave or start working half-time.  At first, not wanting to admit defeat I was headstrong on staying on full-time.  But, just maintaining doctor’s appointments alone, was causing me to stress out which is not what I needed since stress is a known flare trigger.  I had used almost all of my sick days and my performance was declining because I was preoccupied with defining this undefinable disease.  So, in the safe haven of his office I broke down and cried and for the first time admitted vulnerability.  I was going to need help anywhere I could get it.  This wasn’t going to go away on its own.

He went to HR to confirm my options and came back with that I needed to maintain at least 30 hours in order to keep my health benefits, which I could NOT afford to lose.  We decided on a MWF in the office schedule and that I would be available for 3 hours each day on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  I was going to take a huge pay cut and was unsure of how I was going to survive.  But, because of the sheer generosity and support of my company, by giving me an accelerated performance raise, the difference would only mean about $600 less each month.  It was going to be hard but at this point I didn’t have much of a choice.  I couldn’t maintain the full-time workload with 2-3 doctor’s appointments every week and the uncertainty of not knowing how all of this was going to pan out made me defeatedly decide that I needed to go part-time.  That was the least I would accept because I was NOT ready to go on disability.  I kept repeating the mantra to myself  that I was going to get better and that I wouldn’t need to admit defeat.  But, with my vision getting worse, half of me was starting to contemplate the ultimate option of moving back in with my parents  because just in case if I did lose all of my vision I would have people to be my eyes and provide for me.  It was a scary thought but a realistic potential.  So, I thought about it very obsessively.

Executive ER at 8am
Had my last infusion of the solumedrol.  Hopefully this prevents further damage to my vision.  Not sure if it’s working but I go in to see Dr. Hopkins tomorrow to confirm.

3 thoughts on “Consider Me Disabled? Never!

  1. cathy says:

    Hi Isabella, totally understand what you’re going through. I went on disability for 9 months. It was long and hard, since I was such an active person. After 2 years, my doctor finally cleared me to go back to work full time. Hang in there! Have you contacted EDD to get disability checks? They will usually pay the difference of how much you’re losing in your paychecks. Let me know if you need help. I am here for you, my sista!

    • ms. belle says:

      Hmmm, no. I didn’t know that diability would cover the portion I couldn’t work. I’ll have to look into that. That would definitely help some.

      • cathy says:

        hey, yeah, look into it. you know how every paycheck, you are taxed and they take out your money for medical and such? so basically EDD uses that pool of tax money to pay you. they covered me for 13 months.

        here is their website:

        their #
        EDD: 1800-480-3287

        sometimes your medical office has a staff person that deals with EDD and can help you too.

        good luck and let me know if you need help. i am here for you.

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