Last week my boss called me into his office and asked me again what I wanted to do in regards to work. He assured me that I would still have my job if I decided to take a disability leave or start working half-time. At first, not wanting to admit defeat I was headstrong on staying on full-time. But, just maintaining doctor’s appointments alone, was causing me to stress out which is not what I needed since stress is a known flare trigger. I had used almost all of my sick days and my performance was declining because I was preoccupied with defining this undefinable disease. So, in the safe haven of his office I broke down and cried and for the first time admitted vulnerability. I was going to need help anywhere I could get it. This wasn’t going to go away on its own.
He went to HR to confirm my options and came back with that I needed to maintain at least 30 hours in order to keep my health benefits, which I could NOT afford to lose. We decided on a MWF in the office schedule and that I would be available for 3 hours each day on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I was going to take a huge pay cut and was unsure of how I was going to survive. But, because of the sheer generosity and support of my company, by giving me an accelerated performance raise, the difference would only mean about $600 less each month. It was going to be hard but at this point I didn’t have much of a choice. I couldn’t maintain the full-time workload with 2-3 doctor’s appointments every week and the uncertainty of not knowing how all of this was going to pan out made me defeatedly decide that I needed to go part-time. That was the least I would accept because I was NOT ready to go on disability. I kept repeating the mantra to myself that I was going to get better and that I wouldn’t need to admit defeat. But, with my vision getting worse, half of me was starting to contemplate the ultimate option of moving back in with my parents because just in case if I did lose all of my vision I would have people to be my eyes and provide for me. It was a scary thought but a realistic potential. So, I thought about it very obsessively.
Executive ER at 8am
Had my last infusion of the solumedrol. Hopefully this prevents further damage to my vision. Not sure if it’s working but I go in to see Dr. Hopkins tomorrow to confirm.