The airport is a perfect place to people watch. Most often than not, I leave just enough time to squeeze in before they shut the doors to prepare for departure. Today I was 5 minutes too late having to park in Lot C for the first time and taking the shuttle and I was greeted by two gate attendants telling me I was too late and to go to the service desk to get rebooked. They put me on stand-by so that I wouldn’t get charged since they had 16 seats available. But, it doesn’t fly out until 9:45. So, I have two hours to kill. At this rate I could have parked at work and taking the Metro. But, make do with what you got, right.
So, I walked around got a yogurt parfait and water even though I wanted a McDonald’s Egg McMuffin, hash-brown and OJ, and sat down to be productive. Instead, I found myself carelessly watching people and their interactions with each other and wondering how a married couple met or if parents with young children were still happy with each other. I’d scope out anyone who seemed remotely single. Traveling alone – check. No wedding ring – check. I’m such a single person. I am embracing it. I am not defined by it. But, I am not deterred by it either. It is what it is – a state of being and circumstance. My life continues to move on just the way I want it to be.
It’s only times of overwhelming moments, like yesterday’s drive in to work. Everything just seemed to be imploding within its dedicated space with no intentions of stopping until only a crumbling mess was left in a pile to be swept away. I do yearn to find someone I can build something with. And I sometimes do get a pang of melancholic why-not-me when I see happy couples in love doing even the most mundane things like grocery shop.
I want someone to grocery shop with. I am so used to doing things on my own I feel like I’m sometimes not good about doing things with other people. I just go. And expect you to go too. But, other times I feel like I’m a person who has so much love inside to give that it starts to burst at the seams. And at the slightest bit of potential the stitch breaks and sometimes it can be a little intense. Yes, I can be intense. And sometimes people aren’t prepared for that. And then I get scared that I might scare them off and then I shut down. So, then I become this muted ball of internalization. Then I don’t know what I’m doing at all.