This past weekend was THE weekend that I thought would resurface all those overwhelming feelings which took me forever to learn to take control of. This weekend it was going to be made real and solid as a brick wall. And I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to handle it. I mean, I had finally accepted that we were no longer together, that I had loved and lost who I deemed the love of my life, my soul mate, my best friend. But, him promising a lifetime to another woman made it final. This is official and real and he’s no longer or will ever again be a part of my life. And it’s not that I wasn’t over him, per se, well I guess when the other person leaves you behind, you don’t really have much of a choice but to start getting over him or her in order to salvage some sort of chance at a healthy future relationship. I was over him. I had moved on. Or at least I did a very good job of convincing myself. But, the wedding actually happening meant little details were planned out. A date was picked, flowers were ordered, and vows were written. And a part of me had already played out all those details in my head. That was my role. At at the end of all of it all, somewhere I lost the part to someone else.
I was preparing myself for the ultimate whirlwind of fettered, unclaimed emotions to resurface and take claim of my what seemed to be a pretty happy, stable life of a person who’s moved on over a bad break-up. It didn’t help that all of my friends who happened to also be his friends all took off to go to the wedding, that I was not extended an invitation to. WTF? Even Rachel got an invite to Ross’ wedding. We were the best of friends just only 4 short months ago. Four. It feels like a lifetime has passed. But, to top it all off, my friends decided to not tell me that they were all going to the wedding and then asked my sister to keep me occupied so that I wouldn’t be wallowing in my own self-pity. Boy, was I pissed off about that. But, bygones are bygones. Over it.
Needless to say, I did what I do best. I kept busy and packed my own schedule so that I didn’t have to have any down time to think about it. It only backfired when the first event I had plan, to meet up a friend at the Feast of San Genaro festival ended up being total couple-dom. I was the ONLY single person out of a group of 21. They all sat in pairs and fed each other and the last thing I wanted to be reminded of at the moment was that I was not part of another half. That it was just me and only me. So, I left and discarded my next plans to go to a warehouse sale knowing I’d do some irreparable damage. So, I went home and packed some boxes. The next few hours alone proved to be hard but a handful of great friends called, texted and emailed to see how I was doing. They tried to convince me to go out and have fun. But, all I wanted to do was stay in. I wanted to fight the feeling head-to-head and not cloud it in artificial distraction. With the encouragement of great friends I remained strong and I was able to survive the weekend. It came, it went and I am still left standing. Whole.