Many times in my head on late night drives home by myself I wonder why not me. Why he was with me for three years and didn’t know and was with her for three months and knew exactly. Why was I not committable? I know it’s not a healthy thing to do and trust me there are way less healthier things I do. But, really. Why NOT me? I’ve asked myself this question a million times. He told me later after we had broken up, stopped talking and re-started that he wished he had met me later. Later as in when his head was out of his ass. His words, not mine. I don’t know if this was a consolation prize or what. It didn’t make me feel better. It actually made me feel worse.
In 4 short months, we went from best friends to nothing but passing strangers in the night. We use to talk everyday-on the phone and on IM. We’d send jokes, call each other with family, work and personal issues and share our big, outlandish ideas even if they were stupid, especially if they were stupid. We’d go to movies and meet for dinner after work. But, now I can’t even remember his laugh any more. And sometimes I want to remember it just because it was such good times. But, his imprint on my memory becomes more faint with each passing day. And even with effort he no longer is a vivid memory. Only blurry outlines of what once was.