“So I cry, I pray and I beg”
Yes, I am what The Cardigans would call a love fool. I am a hopeless romantic of a sap who cries while watching romantic comedies, reads into lyrics of love songs, wishes on shooting stars, trusts fate with her love life and believes that she had found love of her own once and will do anything to experience that natural high again. Where the world shines a bit brighter, a soundtrack rocks to your movie-like life, you never wait in line for anything and the two of you together is the only thing that matters at the moment. Just the two of you in this great big world. No drug can replace that feeling. I am hopeless.
I’ve never been much of a dater. My sister and I are total opposites when it comes to that arena. She was always in a long-term relationship since she was 16 years old. I was never in one unless you count Randall in the 10th grade. We went out for six months. He asked me out in the most impressive of ways. Well, as impressive as you can get for a 15-year-old boy.
We were friends for the longest time and we even went to the Winter Formal and a few other school dances that school year together. He played the trumpet in the school’s marching and jazz band. I was on the Thunderette Drill Team. So, we got to hang out outside of school a lot together. He was a total sweetheart. Over the summer I went on a two-week family vacation and he wrote me a letter and mailed it to my house every single day that I was gone. Adorably sweet. He even sprayed cologne on the letters so that I wouldn’t forget what he smelled like. He talked about the future a lot. He had long-term plans for us. But, I couldn’t even decide what I had wanted for lunch that day. So, I let things fizzle because he was beginning to suffocate me. And that was probably the karma kicking me back in the ass when my last relationship returned me that same favor. I learned the hard way that you should never do that to someone. It sucks to be on the receiving end.
I saw him and his wife and three children at a wedding I went to last summer. We even sat at the same dinner table at the reception. Things were a little awkward because his wife was a mutual friend in high school who had always had a crush on him and I was with my current also aforementioned boyfriend at the time. I looked at Randy and thought for a split second that maybe I could have had that for myself. But, when he ran around trying to get the kids to eat their dinner and looked completely exhausted doing so, I was so glad that that wasn’t my life at that moment. I wasn’t ready for that quite yet. I was happy for him and knew that I wouldn’t have been able to give him what he needed at the time he needed it.
He’s a good guy and I’m glad he found someone to love and cherish who loves and cherishes him back.
After we broke up in the fall of our junior year, I never dated again throughout the rest of my high school career. I kept myself preoccupied with advanced placement classes and extracurricular activities and the best friends a girl could ask for. I had major crushes to get me through my classes and had a lot of guy friends to keep me company but I never really dated anyone else after Randy.
I graduated high school and continued my education at a local state college and that’s where I finally sort of blossomed and finally agreed, to my mother’s relief, to go on some dates only after being relentlessly pursued. Not a single winner and not that they were losers per se but because they didn’t win my title of The One. Well, not all of them were losers. But there were quite a few.
I firmly believed that there was a single person out there in this entire world who was an ultimate match for me and I was willing to wait for him to come around. So, I didn’t actively pursue anything that wasn’t meant to be because I let the entity of my love life be held in the hands of fate. And again, I had intense crushes on boys who wouldn’t have a clue about it, just to make classes exciting. Otherwise, I was completely oblivious to advances unless they were obnoxiously relentless about it.
There was this one guy who chased me until I finally gave in because I literally ran out of excuses even after I had told him flat out that I didn’t like him like that. But, he kept pursuing so I finally said yes just to get him to stop. We meet at the mall because I didn’t want him to know where I lived just in case if he was some crazy psycho. We had lunch at Red Robin, a hamburger chain, where he was so completely rude to the wait staff that I almost walked out on him. He asked for an ice tea, drank all of it and then told the waitress that it was too sweet so he wanted something else. He then did the same thing to his food. I was appalled. And then when the check came, he said we should split the bill in two even though he had an appetizer, drink and entrée and I only had an entrée. And then, on top of that, he was short on cash so I had to cover some of his portion. Worst date ever. After lunch he asked if I wanted to go to a movie. I politely decline and ran away as fast as possible.
I was a chronic first-dater because I would never go beyond the first date. If I knew on the first date that he wasn’t “The One” I firmly believed that there was no point to go on the second date, which was the case with every single date. A lot of times my friendships with guys started to turn into something and I would stomp it out the minute it came to fruition because that would not fall into my “The One” qualifications. I lost a lot of guy friends that way.
I had another guy friend confess to me right after he had gotten married that he had had feelings for me and wondered if they were reciprocated. And I was certainly uncomfortable knowing that about him especially when I hung out with him and his wife. Talk about awkward. I did have semi-blossoming feelings for him at one point but the minute that he said that he was engaged all those maybe thoughts went out the window. But, why would you ask that of someone especially when you are no longer available. Is it about not having any regrets? Well, I think it’s a little too late anyways and unfair to the other person.
So, soon after, I started hanging out with his best friend more, who became my friend through repeated exposure, only because he was sort of preoccupied with being a husband and it was uncomfortable and exhausting for me to always be thinking that maybe my actions might be misconstrued. His best friend decided that our friendship was taking the next level before I could even blink. This was the time when I started to believe that girls and guys cannot be just friends. It didn’t seem to work out that way. But, I had just gotten back from a year abroad after college graduation. I was 23-years-old about to turn 24 and other people my age seemed to be well on their way in life.
So, I sat myself down for some re-evaluation. I thought maybe there isn’t a soul mate for me out there after all. Maybe I should be a little more open to people who are currently in my life now. So, I convinced myself that maybe I could learn to love this guy as my “One.” So, I opened myself up to it as hard as it was to do. Again, he was sweet to me treated me with the utmost respect. He was a complete gentleman. He took me out to expensive dinners and planned surprises for me when I least expected it. Then I thought to myself that I must be insane to pass someone like him up because I had set these high expectations of what love should be when I had never even been close to experiencing it myself.
We were getting to know each other on a more intimate level when the course of my life drastically changed and I was on my way to New York on a full scholarship to Syracuse University. I’ve always had this unexplainable draw to New York ever since I was a little girl. I had convinced myself that this is where my life was going to begin and I was going to find my soul mate there. So, I bid farewell to the boy here at home said that I would keep in touch and flew 3,000 miles to find the love of my life.