Thinking too much gets you this

Nine expense reports later my eyes are glazed over and my neck is tight from focusing on the computer screen too intently. I am drained. I need to write, to vent, to think, to blog.

I can’t seem to decide about what though. My thoughts are raging like rapid fire and I can’t control which direction I want this post to go. Love, hate, food, betrayal, trust, lists, essay, disappointments, short story, Heroes, fiction, debate, relationships, orchids, urban legends, gifts, life, death, music, critiques, TMNT, happiness, sadness, photography, Felicity, dogs, environmentalism, Peeps, goals, dreams, aspirations, people.

I’ve been distracted from writing lately. I can’t pinpoint exactly WHAT it is or maybe WHO it is. But, it definitely is something.

I’m going to attempt to line up my thoughts to make some sort of coherent observation sprinkled with random incessant tidbits of stream-of-consciousness.

So, my thoughts have been preoccupied on many things of late. Most recently, I’ve been pondering what it is that individuals are looking for in this great big world of ours, my self included. I’m searching for definition and a deeper level of awareness than the daily grinds of our meager existence. We seem to be on this path, this journey to get to some sort of destination. But, when I examine these destinations they turn out to be some sort of selfish excuse to quantify just one individual’s existence. I want to be famous. I want to be rich. I want to be thin and pretty. I want to be cut and have abs of steel. I want to be successful. Even, I want to be happy.

I want to know where I’m going and how to get there.

I want to make a difference. I want to change the world. I want to love those around me. I want to share everything that I have. I want to connect with people. I want to experience. I want to feel. I want to make someone besides myself happy. I want to change someone’s life by having to make sacrifices. I want the sacrifice to not feel like a sacrifice.

What happened to the human spirit that served the purpose of making connections to share, grow and learn from and with each other? To overall, become better people. It seems like we’re on the ever quest to outdo the next person so that we can revel in their failure and rub their faces in our own success so that we can feel better about ourselves. We are not better than the next person because we have a bigger house, an executive position, faster cars, think we’re smarter because we had an expensive education or physically defy our age in appearance.

We are all so much more than that and it is such a waste that those are our destinations.

We are so closed off from one another that we don’t even know how to make that connection anymore.

I’m tired. No, I’m exhausted.

You know the existential questions of why we are here, what is my purpose and who am I? These are my questions for you.


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