I got my hair cut yesterday and I cleaned out my room today, a spring cleaning of sorts, search for a sense of renewal, out with the old and in with the new type of mentality. My room has been looking like a pigsty lately since having been preoccupied with other things these past two months.
I couldn’t see my floor. My room represented what I felt like. Since my room was a mess, I felt like a mess. So, I decided to freshen up the room so that it would start to remind of something new and not something old that I couldn’t let go of. So, I first started out by putting up a new canvas. I started to get out my acrylics and brushes but decided that I should clean the mess before making another one.
I picked up anything that was on the floor that shouldn’t have been. I now have ample walking space and do not have to climb or jump over anything to get out of my room. I put away the month’s worth of laundry that I had done and put on clean, fresh sheets. I opened and threw away a month’s worth of mail I never got around to opening. I even washed a load of dishes, mostly glasses, which I had found in my room.
Then came the hardest part of this spiritual cleanse, I had to get rid of the last of any memorabilia that reminded me of us. I was holding onto something that was no longer there. And I desperately needed to let go so that I could finally be free.
After re-reading everything and getting teary-eyed over what will never be again, I put all of his cards, letters, photographs, ticket stubs of events we did together and even a plastic Minnesota Twins baseball hat that we had gotten an ice-cream sundae in at our first baseball game together into a box. Along with everything else went a photo album of him as a baby with his family he had given me on my first birthday we celebrated together. Yes, it was a gift and I would love to keep it but it really doesn’t make much sense for me to, right? Am I going to pull it out to show my next boyfriend or sit down with my future husband and children to reminisce about the old days? I don’t think so. It’s better that your family have it back. Thanks for letting me be a part of the clan even if it was for a little while. They’re precious memories that you should hold on to.
I also put away another photo album, which I had compiled of photos of just the two of us over the course of our 2 1/2 year relationship, because I can’t keep opening it up and wishing things to go back to what they were because they’re not going to. Into a bag went all of the 15 or so stuffed animals he had bought or won for me because again those brought up every single memory that each stuffed animal revolved around. Everything went under the bed to finally be forgotten.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I’ll ask him if he wants any of it back before I give or throw it away. I rather he keep it than having a stranger have these memories. But, I can no longer be the bearer of them. It’s too hard to keep them and know that things will never be like that ever again. The shelf that they were occupying now holds photo albums of memories I want to keep, a book entitled “Love Is…” and all of my copywriting books.
I’m beginning a new chapter of my life and it looks like it will finally be a happy one.
I may very well get my happy ending.