Searching for Karma

I wouldn’t consider myself a religious person. In fact, I pretty much have claimed agnosticism for most of my life. I do believe in a higher power of a universal sort. I don’t believe in organized religion. I especially don’t believe in things that are forced upon me. Yes, I’ve been stubborn since I was in the womb. The trick is to make me believe that I chose this autonomously for myself. This goes for all things, in all aspects. The minute I feel I’ve been manipulated or undermined, be forewarned, you’ll feel my wrath and see my indifference.

I’ve given most religions a test spin while searching for myself in high school. Presbyterian, Catholicism, Hare Krishna, Jehovah Witness, Buddhism, Paganism. I’ve spoken in tongues which I thought meant another language, drank the blood and ate the body of Christ which I thought were snacks, danced in circles while hugging strangers before communally eating with my hands, performed spells, hailed Marys and been doused with enough Holy water to take a bath.

I would say I’m more of a spiritual person in the sense of seeking peace, nature, love, worldliness, individual well-being for the purpose of mankind and all-inclusivity. We all live on this same planet together. We should learn to coexist with one another in harmony. Hence, I identify most closely with Buddhism. I am constantly trying to find peace within myself and peace within my environment. Trying to live the best life possible.

I went to the Buddhist temple this past Sunday with my parents because they had called me on their way and asked if I wanted to go. Since, I’ve been in emotional upheaval lately, I thought I’d try to find some direction from an external source since I’ve been zapped internally. While I was there I did Chinese fortune-telling sticks.

The Chinese fortune-telling sticks have been used for hundred of years for divination and fortune-telling. You shake the container of numbered sticks until the first sticks jumps out as the naturally chosen indicator of your future. Then you find the corresponding numbered passage, written in poetic form to aid your future, and consider well its meaning in relation to your own life.

This was my fortune.

No. 18
Your past good karma (deed) will bring you happiness. You will have a nice house and have a promotion, wealth and friends. You are like a lion, the king of the jungle surrounded with servants and followers.

Granted, this is the English translation. But, I kind of liked this fortune. It seemed too timely to be just a simple coincidence. I’m beginning to think that EVERYTHING does happen for a reason. I especially liked the whole lion part. It’s kind of cool. Hear me ROAR kind of enthusiasm!!! It’s promising. Karma kicks ass.

I’m a survivor of despair. I came up from the bottom of the ashes and chose to live. I could have given in. I could have just accepted my fate and let it slowly kill my spirit. But, I didn’t want to go without a fight. I make my decisions. I make my happiness. I’m not going to sit by and watch it disappear. I feel strong and inspired to enact change. I feel tranquil and at peace with myself. Happiness is peeking from around the corner and I want to catch him.


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