My Secret Life as an Undercover Agent

Being somewhere other than your home environment, in this case cold Minnesota, can really put things into perspective about what is important in your life and what pretty much isn’t. During these past couple months, I have been in a constant state of emotional fluctuation and that is an overly exaggerated understatement. Finding out that the last 2 1/2 years of your life was based on a complete lie is pretty surreal and hard for your heart and mind to accept. I can’t even begin to explain what it feels like.

Maybe I can liken it to leading a secret life as an undercover spy and that going to Syracuse, NY for this one long-term assignment was supposed to be an in-and-out job. But, I became so invested in my target that I couldn’t shake the feelings. I’ve soften and this makes me a weak spy. I was making rash decisions clouded by emotional attachment. I can’t be a good spy like this. I’m supposed to stay emotionally void. It’s just a job. But, the emotions I am feeling (love?) outweigh any adrenaline rush that being a spy affords me so I bid farewell to the glizty, adventurous undercover agent lifestyle and devote myself to this person. Because this is more of an adventure than any assignment has ever taken me. I’ve unabashedly let my guard down. Only to shockingly find out that they are just as much a spy as you. It was all a cover and none of it was real. Instant hits-you-where-it-hurts betrayal. So, the wall you broke down is rebuilt but this time with indestructible walls, a moat and a booby-trapped drawbridge. You’ll think twice before you let anyone in again. Everyone is a potential target and you can’t trust anyone. You devote your life to your work and ruthlessly kill the evil wrong-doers of the world, have only hot, meaningless physical relationships and never emotionally invest yourself in anyone ever again.

Woah, I think my life is Casino Royale and I am Bond. James Bond.

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