The hardest moments to get through so far are the afternoons after lunch and bedtime. I don’t know what it is about these certain times. I just get really sad and depressed after lunch and it doesn’t matter if I walk around outside or take a nap in the executive guest office, and also right before going to bed. It’s probably because I have too much time on my hands and nothing to preoccupy my thoughts. I don’t want to be sad anymore and I don’t know how to make it go away. I try to think of things that make me happy but the sadness always overwhelms and takes over.
The thought of food makes me want to vomit. I know I have to eat but I take two bites and I feel sick. I want food to taste good again. I think I can kind of understand why some people have eating disorders now. It has nothing to do with being skinny. It’s like the one constant you can control when your world is spiraling out of it. You don’t even think about it. Not healthy, I know. But, like I said there are no answers to any of this. I’m just trying to cope here. The first step is acknowledgment. I’m trying to psychoanalyze myself.
I guess the initial hatred and anger is subsiding and the sadness is overwhelming all other emotions. I rather be angry, at least I felt strong. But, the hatred was consuming me alive and I didn’t want to be hateful anymore. Things were coming out of my mouth that I didn’t even know I knew how to say. I didn’t like the person I was when I was so full of hate. I reached my daily swear words quota before I even got into my car to go to work. I’ve succumb to the sadness of the whole thing and well it just makes me really, really SAD. Chin up, as they say. But, all I want to do is permanently look down at my shoes.
Indifference is the next step.
Time will heal all things, everyone keeps saying. Can someone please put my life on fast forward? I’m making myself sick.