When I wake up in the morning, there’s a moment between slumber and the waking state where I’m not fully conscious and it takes a few minutes for reality to sink in. I go to bed just so I can have this moment where my mind is convinced that I dreamt everything up and that none of this is real. Then it sinks in. And my body drags itself to the shower as it slowly realizes that it has to brace itself for the day’s pain. But, that moment is what I need to get me through the day. Because it’s a moment where I don’t feel intense hatred, anger, sadness or frustraton. I am at peace even it it is for a split moment. I cling to that moment in hopes that it will one day be more than just a moment.
I could cry a river as big as the Amazon and I still won’t get the answers I need. There’s this constant dissonance in my head at all times. It’s taking a toll on my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. I am still trying to logically process the events but there really isn’t any logic to this and I think it’s driving me insane trying to figure out the exact reasons why, when there aren’t really any reasons why.
I need to meditate.
I’m beginning to learn that there aren’t answers for everything. For my wikipedia brain that is really hard to comprehend.
I used to take things apart just so that I could put them back together. I was really good at it too.
I wish I can do an Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and make these memories disappear forever. They’re like haunting dreams but I’m awake.
I watched a part of The Science of Sleep and I want to buy it on DVD. I felt like I was either high or dreaming while watching it.
Today I had a thought and it involved crossing the street at a red light to see if cars would stop for me or hit me. I wanted to overcome this numbness I have been feeling all week. I know it’s not healthy to want to throw yourself in front of a oncoming car. But, I wanted to feel something. I think I’m developing unhealthy thought tendencies.
I feel like I should say something profound, especially when I have such a highly captivated audience. My blog views went from 12 a day to 180. Go figure, that people would rather read about infidelity and broken hearts than my poor broken skinned knee and my lesson of not wearing cowboy boots in the rain. That BTW, is a invaluable lesson. Not, that any of you are retarded enough like me to wear cowboy boots in the rain. In my defense, it wasn’t raining when I left the house.
I figured that this might be a good time to say some wise things about life and love so that other people can learn something from this unfortunate circumstance. But, alas it is not that simple. I wish it were but it’s way too complicated to walk away and define one definitive lesson learned. I can barely make any sense of it myself.
Love is definitely worth the pain that it may cause. Hopefully though, there is more love than pain.
You can’t force love to happen. It happens when it wants to, with whomever it wants to, wherever it wants to.
After all of this, I still believe in love. Some would call me stupid. But, love is like my adult belief in the tooth fairy and Santa Claus.
Yes, I am still a hopeless romantic.
I had a long conversation with some supreme being up above in the skies on my way home Saturday night. There was a terrible traffic accident and I had a chance to talk to him/her the entire one-hour drive home. I cried at first in defeat and wanted to know what I did to deserve such a cruel and unusual punishment. I believe in karma and I figured that buying that bag of candy from the liquor store with fake money when I was a seven-year-old definitely heeded bad karma but deservable of this punishment seemed a little harsh.
I then figured that maybe it was some sort of test. Then I got angry because I yelled to the heavens that I didn’t know how much more I could handle. What exactly was I being tested for and wondering if I had passed yet? And egocentrically wondering why I have had 10 times more obstacles to face than the next person. Then I felt like kicking some ass and not feeling down anymore. But, that doesn’t last. This is just part of the flow of moods I have found myself in lately.
I said that last year couldn’t get any worse than it was with all the deaths, divorce, diagnosis, separation, sickness, loss and kidnappings. I braced myself for a wonderful new year and convinced myself that 2007 was going to be fantastic. I thought it couldn’t get any worse. To my utter astonishment, it did. Life is always surprising me with how far it can go to push the limits. To push MY limits. I guess what I really meant was the Chinese New Year. I’m not Chinese but this will have to do. This Sunday February 18th, 2007 marks the beginning of the Chinese New Year. Hopefully, I can start fresh and new.
People have told me that I have been strong. I really don’t think I have been. I am not strong and I am not brave. I am just a scared little girl trying to make some sense of this little messed up world that she’s found herself in. I don’t have the answers and for the first time I don’t know how to fix a problem. Maybe it’s because I can’t. But, I’m going to try.
I just don’t want to feel pain anymore. I don’t want to feel like there’s no happiness in the world. I want my rose-colored glasses back as childish and naive as that may be. That is who I am. I am that happy go-lucky kid at heart that refuses to grow up. I like the small things in life. I cherish my friends who have been there for me through thick and thin.
Ultimately, I do not want anyone else to feel pain either. I want everyone involved to grow from this terrible experience. All the bad feelings will go away. Life does go on and one day, I promise, we won’t hurt anymore.
Time for bed.