A new revelation in this suck ass crisis. Will it ever end?

Yesterday while I was compiling my montage of our FAKE memories from my online photo gallery, I happened upon something very interesting, just when I was about to wrap up this ridiculous drama that is unwillingly my life and be at peace with myself. For those of you not famililar with online photo galleries, let me explain. I have an account with Kodak Gallery and when you create an album you can share it with your friends by emailing it to them. When you email it to them it becomes one of their albums and it is saved and it can be viewed over and over again.

Well, to my utter astonishment I was very, very surprised to find an album that didn’t belong to any of my friends. It was Jade’s album. Who’s Jade, you ask? Not someone I would ever call my friend. I really don’t know much about him except that Rick talked an awful lot about him and I unsuspectingly went up to him at a party once and told him that I had heard so much about him and glad to have finally met him. But, guess what? I didn’t know that Jade already knew me and referred to me as the “cold hand of death” that was making Rick so depressingly unhappy. So unhappy that he “hated his life because he was trapped in a dead end relationship and still in love with his ex-girlfriend.” Jade was going to take care of two of those problems so that the third would cease to exist.

Apparently, Rick had gone to Jade in July 2006, right before our 2 year anniversary asking for his help to break up with me. Fucked up, right? He didn’t even have the balls to do it himself. “Oh, I need your help friend. In all seriousness I don’t know what my problem is. I know I don’t want to be alone, but I’ve never had a problem letting go before. Perhaps it’s because I’m in a city that I don’t know. I’m a fuckin’ worthless specimen, I tell ya,” Rick wrote to Jade. At least he knew what he was. Then he tells him that it’s our 2 year anniversary that weekend and that he needs help in all seriousness.

Friday July 21, 2006 the day before our 2 year anniversary Jade asks him to go out that night. Rick replies, “As much as I would like to attend. Ironically, Isabella and I have been dating two years to the day. So…that means my night is booked with something I still have to plan. Shit.” Jade attributed his obsession to watching someone with a heroin addiction. Rick asked for his help once again and said that he “can’t just not hang out with her (me) if it’s on an anniversary…ugh.” Jade understood and as far as helping him he said that he would walk him through it if it meant that Rick could not be miserable for once while he was out here (in LA).

You know what we did that night. Absolutely nothing. He came to pick me up and we drove around aimlessly made it to Santa Monica ate at a Subway and attempted to see Lady in the Water. We walked out because it was too loud in the theatre. I should have realized it then. But, I gave him the benefit of the doubt because we both just had a really long day of work. His gift to me was a baseball glove that I haven’t even seen. I guess he was trying really hard for me to just break up with him. But, I still held on to us faithfully. And when I told him how shitty other people thought the gift was just last month after we had broken up, he had told me that yes, he was a bad boyfriend but it was because he was in between jobs and poor. Still lying to me. Gawd.

During all of this he was already talking to another girl, Jackie, here in LA. She is the cousin of one of his roommates. The fucked up thing about this is that I would see the both of them at group functions. We fucking sat at the same Thanksgiving table together while I was completely in the dark to what was going on. He confessed to me when I confronted him on the wonderful Wednesday morning when all of this went down that he did cheat on me with Jackie but he says we weren’t together when they fucked. He wouldn’t tell me when because he knew full well that since because he never gave me the closure and a real break up talk that it was still cloudy. He was calling me and im’ing me like we weren’t broken up. Calling me for our morning drive chats to work and calling to say good-night. That whole period is still one big blur.

On Sunday, I attended a Superbowl party at his apartment because things hadn’t gone down yet. We were friendly, we talked while he was in Minnesota. I wanted to be there emotionally for him and make sure he was okay. He called around 2:45pm on Sunday before the game to make sure I was coming. I remember there was excitement in his voice and that made me so happy. Our conversations while he was in Minnesota were more in-depth and thoughtful. He remembered things I had told him in previous conversations and followed-up on them. I thought we were making a break-through. I still had my reservations because of something I had found a week earlier that made me suspicious. But, still hopeful.

So, guess who shows up to the Superbowl party as I walk outside to my car. Jackie. She parked her car right behind me and in retrospect I personally think she thought that maybe I knew because she waited for me to get what I needed before walking in because maybe she thought I’d do something to her precious car. I still had no idea at the time and feel like a complete idiot.

Anyways, back to the online photo gallery. Yesterday, I came across a new album unsuspectingly. I went into my friend’s albums to look for photos and noticed that Jade’s album was listed in my list of friend’s albums. I thought it was odd. I had never seen it and wonder why his album was in my collection. It was titled Heidi Klum and Seal’s Halloween Party. Interesting. So, I clicked on it. It was full of about 100 or so photos at the Halloween Party and lots of Rick and Jackie all over each other. I had no idea he went to this party. And this was before we had definitely broken up. Before we even had the talk that I had to initiate.

So, my conclusion was that Rick made Jade send me the photos so that I could discover in such an awful way that he was no longer in love with me and that he had already moved on from an online photo gallery. How shitty is that? Guess what losers, your plan backfired because I found it just yesterday. Three months later. So, here it was sitting in my account waiting to be found so that I could go ballistic and break up with him. That’s how chicken shitty it all was. He got someone else to do the dirty work and made it so that I would break up with him instead of him doing the breaking up. I’m so sad that he didn’t even respect me enough to break up with me humanely. I’m very very deeply saddened.

When he had called Wednesday morning he was acting all mopey and cryptic. He said he didn’t know if he should be here in LA. He then said that he wanted to start fresh, turn over a new leaf and be honest. Then he apologized for not being able to be the person I needed him to be. I had had it at that point. Already having known since Monday but playing along to see how far he would take it. I let him have it. I said that he was NEVER EVER the person I needed him to be nor will he EVER be the person I needed him to be. I asked him what else he wanted to tell me. He didn’t say anything so I asked if he cheated on me. He still didn’t say anything. I asked who it was and when. He said it was once. I said with Jackie. He said it was when we weren’t together. Later, to be confirmed that it was when were were together. I asked him if that was it. He said yes. So, I said there was is no one in Minnesota? He said that he was emotionally cheating on me with an ex-girlfriend. As if my emotions didn’t mean anything. Of course it can’t be physical, you’re 1500 miles apart. Cheating is cheating.

So, I had it and I said a lot of very hurtful mean things. I was livid. I kept yelling and crying and yelling and crying. Then I had a massive panic attack pulled over on the side street outside my office and gasped for what felt like my last breaths of air. My entire world was crumbling in front of me and it felt so surreal. Everything was moving in slow motion, people were driving into the driveway to work oblivious to the fact that my world was crashing in on me and that I was possibly dying right in front of them. I looked around for help. No one on the streets. I needed to get air. Rick was still on the phone. He asked where I was so that he can come get me or get help. I could barely talk. My vision was starting to blacken. I was passing out from lack of oxygen. Stop it. Breathe. I am. But air wasn’t getting in. What felt like an eternity was probably 5 minutes. But, when you can’t breathe it feels like forever. The hyperventilation was slowing and my gasps were slowing. I finally caught my breath and after he asked if he could see me after work that night I said that he could delete my number from his phone, my email from his address book and me from his MySpace and never ever contact me again in a raspy, exasperated voice. He said okay, that he could do that and then I hung up on him and drove into work sat at my desk and just cried.

This is my life. I don’t want it anymore. Anyone want to trade?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s