Process of Healing

Day 1

Time apart. The forbidden words that usually mean impending doom. Never any words that should be uttered without being fully aware of the consequences. I was aware. I decided to take the chance to save what we still had left or to say goodbye to what we had. What was desperately needed was some sort of change. We needed to reevaluate…what we were, what we are and what we will be. We are stuck in this emotional hamster wheel of a rut. We weren’t on the same page anymore, sometimes I think that we’re not even in the same book. We started strong and dwindled into nothing but sweatpants, hair in a ponytail lounging around the television every night comfort twilight zone. Which in ordinary circumstances would be a welcome relief to know that someone knows you well enough not to care or at least remark on the ripening pimple on your makeup-less forehead or that your favorite pajamas pants you’ve worn since freshman year of undergrad is full of holes or that you speak with a slight lisp when you wear your retainer. But, the thing is…the biggest problem I have with it all is that there are no more surprises. We know each other too well. There’s no spontaneity or the unpredictable. It’s safe. I want passion and excitement all the things that are present when you first get to know someone. I want to feel that hunger, that desperate need to be with that person, the incessant daydreaming, the not sleeping and not eating just because this other person consumes every ounce of your thoughts. I miss that passion. I was in love and on top of the world and then I came tumbling down.

Tonight I watched “The Last King of Scotland” by myself in a crowded movie theatre. The first time in my life I went to the movies alone. It’s not scary or bad or uncomfortable. It was character building…you know the part in the movies where the protaganist gets back up after being thrown of a metaphoric horse… I knew I could stand on my two feet. I was growing. The movie itself is based on a true story of a Scottish doctor who aided the President of Uganda during times of political turmoil. I love Forrest Whitaker. James McAvoy I think is going to become the next Ewan McGregor. A little grim but wonderful acting.

Day 2

Yesterday, it was really hard to stay away. I tried to convince myself that that time apart would be the best solution and that I had to be strong about it. But, everything I did or heard or saw reminded me of him. I heard Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me” on the radio while I was driving to work singing along when I realized the lyrics of the song. They they were so pertinent at the moment that I started bawling as I sang the lyrics. I was deeply wondering whether or not I had made the right decision or if this would be that defining moment that would be the end. I caved. I missed talking to him even if it was barely breaking the surface. So, I made the initial contact through IM and we converse and made some points about what we thought was wrong and needed improvement. I think it was therapeutic and progressive. I then asked him if he wanted to join me at a screening of “All the King’s Men”. He said yes and he met me at the WGA Theatre. There was an awkwardness to our first meeting since Monday night when we had the initial argument. It was like we were starting over. It felt comforting to see him in person.

The film itself is kind of lackluster and poorly directed because if you do not know the history of Willie Stark, the people’s governor of Louisiana decades ago…you’ll be confused for the first half of the movie. Historically speaking, it was an interesting story to depict on screen. The acting by Sean Penn was phenomenal. On the other hand, someone should tell Mark Ruffalo to stop acting and get a real job. He is the exact same character in every single movie and this was a period piece. So, he looked out of place and didn’t have the right accent.

Day 3

This morning I woke up to a dream with him in it. I don’t remember what it was about, but that he was in it and we were good. Things were okay. And I thought that everything was back to normal when I had woken up. He IM’d me to tell me he was busy and couldn’t talk but that he wanted to say hello. I said hello and all I wanted to do was share this random fact of information with him like I usually did randomly throughout the day:

“The findings, published in the British Journal of Sports Medicine, found that women with ring fingers longer than their index fingers had performed better at running and associated running sports such as soccer and tennis.”

My ring finger is longer than my index finger. I wanted to tell him. That’s why I’m good at tennis. But, I thought maybe we weren’t at that level just yet.

I have a screening pass for “Marie Antoinette” tonight. I was thinking about asking him if he wanted to go but thought that maybe it would be overdoing it. Plus, he was busy and I didn’t want to bother him. And, he probably carpooled with Brian. I asked Heather instead because she might get out in time and she works and lives near Culver City but she didn’t respond. I’m really excited to see this movie. I really like Sofia Coppola’s style. Not so much a big fan of Kirsten Dunst but we’ll see. I might change my mind tonight. I haven’t RSVP’d just yet. I think I might go do that now.

I will remember this week as the week of movies and not the week we were broken up.

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