i found this in missed connections on craigslist.com. and thought it was the most hilarious thing in the world. i laughed the entire way through. plus, i know first hand of the mentioned experience. btw, missed connections is a daily read. really entertaining. you should check it out.
ATTN: Smelly people who ride the bus/metro in L.A.
Reply to: email@example.com
Date: Thu Feb 27 20:31:53 2003
To quote Redd Foxx: “You gotta wash your ass…”
Please, people, PLEASE wash your smelly asses if you are going to ride on public transportation. You walk on the bus and everybody gags you smell so bad, then you sit next to hard-working people who have to mouth-breathe for 30-plus minutes because you don’t know how to wipe your own ass or brush your teeth. It’s sickening. You smell like ass!
I’m not talking about homeless derelicts, either. I’m talking about guys in suits, nice clothes, apparently employed somewhere…although I can’t imagine how you’ve managed to hold down a job smelling like that. You will never succeed in life reeking like a dirty stinking ass. Please, buy a book on hygiene or look it up on the internet or something. Try unscented baby wipes, a washcloth, wet paper towels, soap and water works great, do something, ANYTHING, just give it a try. We are begging you: stop forcing us to smell your ass. We, collectively, want nothing to do with your ass, especially any smells that emit from it. No smelly ass, no farting. Enough already with the farting! You are an adult, can’t you control your bodily functions? Do you have a medical problem? Or maybe you’re just a rude, gross pig. Whatever your problem is, you do have one. We suffer enough riding the bus without having to endure this torture too.
Washing your own ass is not only a great thing to do for yourself, but a kindness that is appreciated by the rest of humanity. It’s what the majority of us clean ass people like to call “proper hygiene” and it’s part of our “normal, daily routine”.
I will now thank you in advance on behalf of all the people who ride the busses and metro in Los Angeles. Thank you for washing your ass today. And for not farting, either.