2011 is supposed to be my year to find love. Having spent most of 2010 basically writing blogs on an entirely different topic;) I am back and ready to revisit writing about my favorite topic…love.
My favorite Beatles’ song, “All You Need is Love”. My favorite movie, Love Actually. My favorite phrase, “Love makes the world go round.”
According to astrologer, Susan Miller, Capricorns are to be lucky in love this year. Cheers to that!
“If you are single and are frustrated at not being able to meet anyone special to date, you should be encouraged by the impending entry of Jupiter to Taurus for the first time since 2000. Jupiter will spend a full year in your true love sector, and you are getting close! You’ve waited 11 years to get this awesome level of cosmic help! You will already see encouraging developments in May.
Romantically, you are moving into an astoundingly positive period for love, but it won’t start until June. This coming influence will come to you thanks to Jupiter, and it’s a massive, big trend that you will certainly notice – it will last a year. For now, if you are single and not meeting anyone special these days, just be patient.”
Just in time for that summer fling;)
This past weekend my company threw a New Year Kickoff party for all of the employees. The party was in Norcal and they were generous enough to fly each employee plus a guest up there and even put us up for the night at a fancy luxury hotel. A free flight/hotel room for you and guest and yours truly couldn’t even come up with one person I wanted to invite as my date. So instead, I RSVP sans guest and figure I’d deal with it later knowing full well that I’d probably be in the awkward minority. But, I wasn’t going going to do it quietly. My goal was to make anyone in a committed relationship of any capacity envious of singledom. Or at least in my alternate reality that occurs only in my head.
Being single isn’t a disease. It’s a lifestyle. It’s not a pity party. So, a handful of us in the LA office decided to make a statement by showing up stag. Yeah, uh huh. We got it.
It’s been almost 10 months since I first signed up for Match, which BTW was a complete accident. What had originally set out to be a 1-month test membership in February became a full year commitment because my impatient nature impulsively clicked through the sign-up process and failed to see that it had checked the 6-month membership box instead of 1-month. Then after 6-months was up they surreptitiously charged an automatic renewal for another 6 months! No warning, no receipt, no confirmation!
I initially wanted to conduct a social experiment of sorts. I wanted to know where people met if they didn’t meet at school, work or bar. Online? That’s so…weird. Only awkward, socially inept people date online, right? I mean, why do people who actually meet online always make up a fake story to tell at their weddings? See? Weirdness. Okay, so I took one for the team. I had to get to know it. The goal was to become an expert on online dating in order to write about it. I needed to gain fodder to be able to share knowledgeable first-hand advice AKA horror stories to the unsuspecting lovelorn who might want to exhaust this medium as a way to meet their one true love.
So, I offered up myself as a test subject to find out what happens when things that rely heavily on face-to-face interaction go virtual.
Apparently, obscenity is what happens.
Just today, I had a 51-year-old guy ask me if I have ever thought about selling a pair of my panties. Ew, gross. Don’t they have specific websites dedicated to those kinds of fetishes. Though, curious, I did start to wonder what a pair of my panties would go for. They’re cute, pink, lacey cheeksters from Victoria’s Secret. My entrepreneurial side kicks in. Math in head…I would never have to do lingerie laundry ever again and I would make all the money I’ve spent on lingerie back and more! But the thought of someone doin’ the Han Solo sniffing my worn panties kinda creeps me out. Sorry, mister…I’ll have to pass on the offer. But, thanks!
A friend had asked me recently what’s the craziest thing I have done for a guy. I thought about it for a little bit. Thinking that the self-proclaimed spontaneous, non-traditional, defies conformity and believes rules were created to be broken free spirit in me would have a super long laundry list of extreme measures to choose from. And you know I’ve realized? I don’t think I’ve really done anything crazy for a guy. Well, at least not the type of crazy that makes a pivotal scene in a romantic comedy.
I ponder why.
I’m a Capricorn. We’re grounded by the Earth and are tethered to responsibility and definition, etc. We’re logical and try to rationalize everything in a calm and collected manner.
I’m also stubborn as hell and very prideful and I will usually only venture out if I know it’s a sure shot. Well, only when it comes to the matters of the heart. Everything else feels my inconsistent craziness;)
But, let me seriously think about this.
Does throwing away your childhood dream of moving to NYC to move back to LA with your boyfriend at the time qualify as crazy? Even if it’s where your family lives? Or how about taking risqué digital photos of yourself and sending via email for him to forever keep and possibly sell to tabloids if you ever were to become famous. Ummm, yeah. Kind of hoping those got deleted. Or maybe I should just cross off run for public office off my list of things to do now. They say love makes you do crazy things. So maybe I have done crazy things for a guy. And, then it turns out that it doesn’t work out and then you smack yourself for doing such ridiculous things you would never do in a “right” frame of mind. So, I guess that gamble, the one that makes you risk a pretty hefty weight on what may or may not be forever or real is what makes it crazy.
That’s what love is. It’s a risk on another person that you have absolutely no control over. Scary thought, isn’t it? But without that risk, we just exist and that’s not really living. But, check with me on another day and I might have a different opinion on this=)
Disclaimer: This is all in retrospect because shortly after my last email right after the drunken text a very good guy friend pleaded with me to delete M from my phone and Facebook as preventative measures. Which I readily complied with because I was metaphorically done and mortifably embarrassed. Just revisiting in order to document it. But, just to be clear…I’ve let it go.
About two weeks after our third date and having not heard from him, his FB status changed to In A Relationship. At first, I was upset because my thoughts naturally went to the stupidity I felt for falling for such a generic cliche and then it progressed to the feeling of being used. And all I could do was call him an asshole and be thankful for trusting my gut for knowing that he was too good to be true. But, then that all dissipated and I was more sad that I had lost.
Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
I am rarely super attracted to people and I was super attracted to him almost instantaneously. If I had only done this or not do that ran through my head as much as I know how insecure that was of me. Anyways, that thought progression then lead to a reality that was a far cry from holding a radio over declaring my love outside a bedroom window. The reality is that he was probably just a man on a mission. Pretty much like I am. Looking for that Person Right. And she must have been right. And I was almost right but not quite. And that was it. Nothing more or nothing less than what just simply is. Wow. I’m surprising myself at how mature I am becoming about this whole love thing.
Well, except for the fact I’ve forever nicknamed him Vomit Guy.
I moved last weekend and I was going through a few vendors to update billing info and I ended up changing my zip code on Match. Once I did that I started getting a ridiculous amount of winks and emails from new people who weren’t keen on venturing more than 5 miles for their dates. But, now that I’m on the Westside my dating pool has greatly expanded to what seems like a much more interesting mix of people. So, we’ll see.
Note: Updating your zip code is a good way to update your dating pool selection.
On another note, Chemistry.com had free communication this past weekend and there were a couple of good matches. One in particular that I would at least like to meet in person. I spent the entire weekend moving and never got around to responding to his request and then open communication ended. So if I want to talk to him I would have to pay for yet another dating site. Not sure if I want to do that. But, what if it’s the guy of my dreams and I lose him because I didn’t want to shell out $50 or whatever it is to communicate with him. And my curiosity always gets the best of me. I would totally purchase one month today if Match hadn’t automatically renewed me for 6 months. Ugh. I must remember to cancel that in February before it renews again.
I’ll probably do one month on Chemistry to test it out when I get internet set up at the new place.
Just to clarify…I’m okay with all that happened M dude. I’m not a big puddle of a mess or anything of the sort. It was 3 dates – granted they were 3 great dates and I was definitely smitten but not head over heels. I barely knew the dude. There really wasn’t anything to get over except me having to get the last, last, very last word in. What can I do, that’s just the way I’m programmed. I seek answers to the unknown. It’s my curiosity that gets the best of me sometimes.
I’m just a passionate person who loves quickly, not like love-love, but just appreciates life for that moment and that sometimes scares people. But, on the flip side that same passion allows me to turn that love and appreciation quickly into hate and resentment.
I’m working on it. A work in progress. But, I’m not apologetic for it.
I couldn’t have my last words be of drunken caliber. So, what do I do but write an email. Really, seriously? I should be banned from leaving the house sometimes. I garble babble way too much and just talk and talk even if no one is listening but especially when no one is listening.
I really need a distraction from this distraction.
So, completely sober I wrote:
Please excuse that uncalled for text the other night. At the very least I hope you found some humor in it.
It’s a rough weekend when your ex gets married and you feel compelled to drunk text Match dates.
I’m deeply ashamed. (Sarcasm. If it didn’t come across clearly enough.)
Sometimes, I wonder about the level of my sanity.
Take away my phone. Please. I should not be allowed to communicate with anyone when inebriated. Yes, I am officially guilty of one those drunk texts worthy of http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/ .
Last night I went to sushi and drinks with friends and for the reason of being a freak of nature and getting drunk off of one Corona I decided to drunk text a particular person who has been incommunicado with me. I don’t know what came over me but I had this dire urge to call him out right then and there. Really more so to make contact so that he would just respond, good or bad. All because I just really despise being ignored.
At the risk of being THAT girl I’m gonna say I really liked you. And maybe all of your dates go that well but mine never go that well. And maybe you just played me. But can you just let me know that. So I can have my closure. A girl needs her closure. So I can call you an asshole and stop thinking about you. Please. I’m drunk. I hate boys.
Of course no response. Why would I do that? Now, I am doubly retarded for sending a text after no response to an email after no followup to a date. I sent two communications that went un-reciprocated Now, I am the loser. Ugh.
I’ve had the same conversation with a few of my close guy friends. A conversation that I can now spot a mile away. A conversation that always leaves me feeling at first elated like a newly filled balloon but in the end always leaves me feeling dissipated and empty.
It all starts with casual small talk about nothing in particular and then when my guard is let down when I least expect it, out of left-field comes the awkward, sometimes cleverly disguised comment of the what-ifs, maybes and potentially pending alternate realities.
“Now, that I’m getting married and it doesn’t matter..I need to know…would we have ever worked out?”
“This doesn’t mean we’re not friends.”
“You were never into me like that anyways…were you?”
“I can never have you and my fiancee in the same room together, because I wouldn’t know how I would choose.”
“When you asked me to teach you how to play the Wii, was that a cleverly-disguised pick-up line?”
Basically, they want to know if circumstances permitted, if at any point in time could there have been an “us”. But, this conversation occurs AFTER they get engaged or married. As if it’s now safe to proceed. And then what? What if I say yes? What happens then? But, of course I never say yes, but I never say no. But, never add any fodder to make them hesitant at their decision. It’s definitely an interesting conversation to have. It always makes me kind of sad and happy at the same time. Bittersweet.